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dear burglar

So, you decided to break into my home today.

First off, great job evading the big, strong security guards patrolling my streets.

Great job also managing to enter my property with the electric fencing and locked doors and gates.

One last compliment for now, great job finally entering my house itself.

You have skills.

It must've taken a lot to psyche yourself up to do this tonight and you must have adrenaline pumping through your veins right now.

Not sure exactly how to bring you down from this adrenaline high.

I think we'd get along much better if you were calm.

In any case, you are pumped and ready to do this.

How did you even get here?

Taxis don't travel at night right and you live far away from me?

Did you Uber here? Oh wait, I guess that's a bit insensitive of me seeing that if you could afford an Uber trip, you probably would not be here with me today.

Surely you didn't walk here? Please tell me. I am super curious.

I talk a lot.

I am sure you would much rather be downing a couple of beers with your friends or sitting on the couch with your family after a delicious home made supper.

Much rather be building Lego with your son, the Lego that you bought him with your hard earned money and bought for him for no reason other than Lego is pretty awesome and so is your son.

We have a lot of Lego here, please help yourself.

It's a cold Winter's day in Joburg today, don't you wish that burglary had better hours?

I don't envy you.

I can't begin to imagine how you are going to get back home with all the stuff you are going to take. The logistics boggles me.

I assume you don't have a job.

Is that rude to assume?

My experience with unemployment almost crushed me in spite of having a husband who took care of me during that time.

I am ok now, how sweet of you to ask?

Maybe you do have a job and just want a big screen TV to watch soccer with.

I don't know.

I am just a middle class suburban mum.

Oh, did you hurt yourself on the way in?

We have disinfectant and Star Wars plasters.

Would you like a job?

I can't give you one but I could assist you or if it's just easier for you, let me give you the money instead.

I think you would make an excellent secret agent maybe but I don't really know how to apply for those jobs.

So, on to the business at hand.

The point of this burglary.

Take what you like from my home that will make your life a little better.

The only thing I ask of you is please don't hurt my loved ones.

I am here to do your bidding.

I will show you were our valuables are, pack them in our car for you and give you the keys to drive off with our things IF you don't hurt my loved ones.

I see why you are doing this and I am sorry that life hasn't been better to you.

The odds are stacked against you and you are right to resort to crime.

Did you eat already?

Can I make you a sandwich and give you a glass of Coke while you choose what you want to take?

But remember, my loved ones are off limits.

They are mine and they are what I treasure most in this world.

I will even transfer our money into your accounts just. don't. hurt. my. loved. ones.

I see why you may hurt us.

You are scared and we are scared which will make you more scared.

Violence tends to result in such heated situations.

Basically, take everything I own but don't hurt my loved ones.

If you hurt my loved ones a little, I will also understand but please not their faces.

They have pretty ones and I like looking at them.

Maybe a shot in the leg avoiding a major artery or some smacks.

You will come in pumped and I will start to scream.

You have my permission to stab me in the bum. No major arteries there I think and I have sufficient cushioning and the scarring will be hidden.

It will hurt but it will shut me up.

The system is stacked against you.

If you end the life of one my loved ones, I will also understand and most likely hate you.

Then you might as well take my life too because I can't imagine ever recovering from such.

I hear you dear burglar.

I hope we never meet under these circumstances.

I will try to do my part to make this world better for you as it has been for me.

The odds are stacked against you and I understand.

With love,


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